Greta Storms New York

The sudden and strange Greta Thurnberg phenomenon made her highly anticipated and widely publicized New York debut. On Monday, at the United Nations Climate Action Summit, the 16 year old eco warrior lashed out at the world assembly for stealing her childhood and smashing her dreams. Her face contorted with anger, her slight frame trembling with rage, the young climate crusader stormed that, “We are in the beginning of a mass extinction and all you can talk about is money and fairy tales of eternal economic growth. How dare you?” Alarmingly, over half of American adolescents share Greta’s apocalyptic panic and believe that humanity will be wiped out in the next decade. Speaking on behalf of doomed future generations, Greta thundered, “If you choose to fail us, I say: We will never forgive you.”

After her fiery speech, apparently unaware of the global celebrity in his presence, President Donald Trump unforgivably strode straight past the Swedish teenager to the flashing cameras and eager reporters waiting in the lobby. BuzzFeed News, which published the now discredited “Steele Dossier” falsely accusing Trump of Russian collusion, describes the young activist’s furious expression as an “instantly meme-worthy” “death stare.”

Despite pulling out of the vaunted Paris Agreement (to the great dismay of Greta’s everywhere), the US leads the world in carbon emissions reduction. University of Michigan economics professor Mark Perry notes that, “For that impressive ‘greening’ of America, we can thank the underground oceans of America’s natural gas.”

As Greta crosses the Atlantic Ocean back to her Nordic lair and resumes skipping her high school classes, one suspects she will not be among the thankful.

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