Friends with Benefits

Across the political spectrum and around the world, the suicide of sexual predator Jeffrey Epstein in a Manhattan jail cell has raised suspicions. Too many rich, powerful, and influential associates of the millionaire pedophile stood to gain from his untimely demise.

But while Epstein may have taken many of his sordid secrets to the grave, the men and women who populated his corrupt world have not escaped public scrutiny.

Buckling under the increasing pressure, this weekend, Prince Andrew broke his silence on his longtime friend’s death. The British royal, who met Epstein in the late 90’s through Epstein’s intimate companion and alleged madam Ghislaine Maxwell, vehemently denies any wrongdoing.

Known as “Randy Andy,” the playboy prince released a carefully worded statement claiming, “At no stage during the limited time I spent with him did I see, witness or suspect any behavior of the sort that subsequently led to his arrest and conviction.”

Super lawyer Alan Dershowitz is adamant that his association with Epstein was purely professional. The Harvard Law professor has taken to the airwaves and newspages to declare his innocence and fidelity to his wife.

Former President Bill Clinton, for whom fidelity is a flexible arrangement, claims to have only flown on the pedophile’s private jet, nicknamed the “Lolita Express,” four times on humanitarian missions. According to published reports, flight logs indicate the priapic politician was aboard at least two dozen times.

Maxwell, who it is alleged recruited Epstein’s vast network of underage victims she called “the nubiles,” was last seen at an In ‘N Out fast food spot in Los Angeles. Epstein may be dead, but many of his secrets still live with her.

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